It’s been said that sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still better than no pizza at all. But really, nobody wants Ellio’s if they can get at least a Tombstone, or possibly even a Newman’s Own Uncured Pepperoni Thin & Crispy.

For all the men out there serving up cold leftovers in bed, here are the things you’re doing horribly, horribly wrong, according to women who constantly endure them.

1. Treating her nipples like Otter Pops
“Nipple play doesn’t really do anything for me. It’s kind of whatever. But what really creeps me out is when a guy is just down there forever… like he’s breastfeeding.” – Gabi, 28

Some guys will latch on harder than a dehydrated newborn. Not only is it uncomfortably Oedipal, it’s not even comfortable, let alone erotic. Our nips are super sensitive, with varying degrees of sensitivity throughout the month, so …

Guys flash back out loud to what you did to make his greatest-hits list.

Jenny and I had three dates, yet somehow I knew the fourth would be different. She’d invited me to a dinner party at her sister’s house in the country. It wasn’t a big deal, she told me, but I should plan on making a night of it. Then she uttered the magic words: “You should probably bring an overnight bag.” I was psyched.

The night that unfolded up in her sister’s A-shaped attic guest room was, well…suffice it to say that, by dawn, Jenny and I looked like a couple of happy kids who’d trampolined the feathers out of an old feather bed. In those few hours, I realized how compatible we really were. Clearly, her technique that first night — and every time we’ve made love for the last two years — impressed the hell …

When it comes to sex, you might be wondering if there are tips and tricks guys want to share, but don’t. Frankly, there is no magic erogenous zone or blowjob technique to have on standby that’s going to blow his mind. Everyone is different, and what works for one guy might not work for another.

As these guys can attest, the best “tips” are just knowing how to enjoy yourself and have fun during sex.

That being said, here are 11 things guys want you to keep in mind during sex — if not just to make it better for yourself.

1. “This is a pretty gender neutral sex tip, but… relax. Enjoy yourself and don’t get in your own head. Sex is fun.” — Matt, 28

2. “I’ve been with men and women, and in my personal experience, guys are generally more vocal. They’re willing to ask for things …

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Also special features for your new love toy, such as multiple motors for vibrators, …